[ManifestedRealities]

"...I'm at the point where I can stand to be [average] or I can be [extraordinary]..."

This blog... unlike the others is mine. This blog... unlike the others is personally personal. This blog... unlike the others is Sadea at her rawest....


I sit back and realize the growth I made in my life... but yet I still feel misunderstood. You can do so much, people can see you && imagine that they know you but no one knows your story until you tell them. Being misunderstood is one of the loneliest feelings you can ever experience but the creative process of letting someone into your world is amazing. Everyday gives you a new chance to share yourself and express a side of you that many may not get to see... Much like an artist putting together an album... Everyday brings you new songs, new beats, new ideas....

Last weekend, someone I've grown to like told me something I really needed to hear. I often get frustrated by certain things && in return, my tongue does become slightly sharp and I get extremely blunt. It's something that many who know me have come to deal w/ over the years but no one has had the audacity to put me in my place.. until last week. We were having a discussion and never has one person made me rethink so many things that I've done by saying something so simple. He reassured me [but] also caused me to become slightly insecure about things I had been doing... and not in a bad way either. A good insecurity.

-He Says-
"...everyone is different. You can't treat everyone the same, everyone deserves a chance. Sometimes a guy wants that mystery.. he wants that chase && being blunt is a good thing but it can also be a bad thing..."

I know this && I told him that but it goes back to me being misunderstood. In order to understand me, you have to know my background....

I am a 20 yr old woman who lost herself && is just now finding herself again. I wasn't the "pretty girl" until I made it to high school. I was teased because I wore my hair natural because my stepmother made the decision (without consulting my mother) to put a perm in my hair so I had to get my hair cut off when I was in the 2nd grade. I wore glasses until my freshman year && decided to reinvent myself. Partially for myself but partially so I could live up to the expectations of my glamourous family. Speaking of family, I went through years of sexually abuse and intimidation && never faced those demons until I was a junior in high school. I never had good relationships with men in my younger years so I lost my virginity at an early age to guy who I believed loved me. I went from having the highest self-esteem ever until I got into a relationship with a guy who crushed my spirit. Part of me still loves him, not for who he is but for what he made me. Without him, I WOULD NOT be the beautiful woman who many get to see now. He made me reset my morals & expectations for what they should be. I am just now getting to the point where I see myself as beautiful again... 'cuz there was a while when I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I hated my hair... I went from a size 4 to a size 8 in the matter of a year. My breast grew & my ass grew and I didnt like the attention it brought me. I have parents that are JUST now being cordial to each other. Parents that couldnt say 2words to each other without arguing && many times, they used me as the messenger. Can you imagine how it is to be forced to tell your father that your mother says that he's a bitch && he's worthless? Yes, I took a year off from school & ran away with my boyfriend (at the time) to Texas to escape my problems... but I also wasn't ready to be here. Be exactly where I am now. These are things that make me... they dont run me but they are a major part in who I have become. Without these experiences, there would not be the Sadea you see in front of you today. In order to know me is to understand what I've been through. I care too much, I love hard, I have a sharp tongue && I am determined to be what my parents, my aunts & uncles, my cousins & my grandparents weren't.

I am imperfect. I am flawed but I try damn hard to be better than I was yesterday. Im sexual & I am proud to be but it does NOT make me. Im introverted at times & Im extroverted at times. Im shy around people Im digging... But I dont hesitate to tell you what I will and will not do. I am no one's doormat. I am pretty inside and out. I love to laugh. I love to cry. I value cuddling more than sex. Im quirky & I love being weird. Music and writing are my outlets. Shopping is my addiction. I enjoy a lil gossip every now & again but I am fiercely loyal to myself && my friends. I will never advise you to do something I wouldnt do. Im a rebel but Im REAL... real enough to admit my flaws & real enough to be true to myself.... This is me... This is Sadea Lynette Harris-Lacking. She is me && I am her... And I am love & loved.

I am just a soul whose intentions are good ... I accept the fact that I am Misunderstood......

In Bloom.....

Currrently listening to: "In Bloom"- Nirvana


Its been a while since I felt worthy to post something on here... Its also been a minute since I had the time to do it. Life's great but Im not all for formalities on a blog. I mean, don't get me wrong... I love those who take the time to read what Im doing.. I just dont wanna make a big deal about it. Radio... School && Life.... what more is there to say???

Today... sitting at home... I had an epiphany. Now, Im not gonna go all Chrisette Michelle but seriously, life became clear in a sense. When I came back to school... I became a Dj for my station && I'd be lying if I say that I didn't wanna do it forever (I want this shit forever... ever.. ever! Thanks Drizzy!). I mean, its like my life has become clear to me. Never have I felt more driven or more interested in one thing. I understand now when artist say that their music is who they're in a relationship with becuz it truly gets like that. I spent almost every waking moment in that station... just to be around it... feel the vibe of it. Then... we had an argument... And I havent been as much. I miss the closeness between us and we're rekindling our flame. He knows I love him! But its addicting! Hearing that people hear me is a rush... and Im in love with that feeling. If anybody ever wants to know whats going on with me at a certain point in my life... Listen to my shows. I reflect my mood in the music I play. So much so that my mother knew I was happy... genuinely... from listening to one of my shows.

Another facet of my life that I am coming to terms with is just me... myself. I am who I am... and I love her. I am not perfect... I am a perfectly flawed individual. There are things I want to fix but I love those imperfections... every orifice, every bump, every curve of me is loved by Me. Never have I felt so comfortable in the skin God gave me... and being amongst more people who are going thru same things as I am has made me appreciate my life even more. Things could be better... I could have money for one.. but would I have this happiness? I dont think I would... nor would I have these understandings about myself. I am a beautiful... real... loving creature. And as everybody, I would love to have that love I have in myself shown by someone else.....

Speaking of love && like... I feel like for the first time in a long time, Im ready for that. My feelings are on my sleeve && slowly but surely, Im coming out of my shell again. Guys are no longer creatures just made to cause me unhappiness... becuz I've learned that happiness comes from within. I am interested in meeting && mingling again... especially with one person in particular. I make no claims to know him well... I just know enough to be interested. My fear of approaching him comes from insecurities in my past, but in shedding those, I plan to do so eventually. Im too old for crushes && life is too short not to try your options. Im not in high school anymore, so I really dont need my friends assistance in approaching him. So... here's a letter to him



Juvenile, I know but verbal words fail me when I see you so writing this is better for me. I hope you find it sweet, not silly... find me sweet, not mean... pretty, not ugly. I've never had to do this before but something about you has me intrigued. Can't place my finger on it but something is magnetic about you && its pulling me in. Excuse the fowardness of the last statement, but it has to be said. How can I claim to be real and hold my toungue? I seriously feel like how Alicia felt in "You don't know my name". Its scary to put yourself out when you dont know how the other person would react. But... Im 20 years old... Im putting on my big girl pants and baring my soul. I may not be the prettiest, the smartest or the most talented (and I dont claim to be) but I can assure you that I'm one of the realest you'll ever meet. Cliche, I know but coming from this creole lady... it means something. I don't know what you like, but I hope to learn. I dont know what your interest are but I hope to learn. Maybe we can share a conversation over a meal I'll cook for you... who knows. Im reaching my hand to yours.... Will you accept?

-Always..... Daya

He may never read these eloquent words I've posted && thats ok... but just in case he ever should come across my piece of the internet... he knows..

Remember ya'll.... Im just a lily in bloom.....