Ain't Nothin' Changed But The Address(es)

Hello Loves!!!

Did you miss me? I'm sure you did :) I've missed you too. Life has treated me well over the past couple of months. Somethings you can control, somethings you can't... such is life. All you can do is maintain.

But

I digress from my original thought. This entry isn't typical because it's almost like a preface to my life story (so far). This is actually an "introduction" of sorts. Recently, I've gotten in touch with someone who knew me when I was younger. It's actually amazing to talk to him after so much time has passed -but- its strangely comfortable. He was & is (in my opinion) one of the only people who I think fully understood me then. I can't really speak for now because he hasn't received the whole "Sadea/Dayabee experience" but I honestly haven't changed THAT much. We all grow and mature... We develop vices and bad habits overtime but as he said:

"You kinda know a version of myself that alot of ppl who know me now have no clue about"

So, I feel that I should give him a proper introduction to the Daya that some of you guys know. He's been more influential on my life than he actually may know (cue the violins, hahahaha)

Sir,

This blog is extremely vivid. Not raunchy in any sense of the word but it has become my diary. There are times when I show extremely disappointment in myself on here. You do get a great picture of what I have been thru with guys on here (most of the posts reflect that). I ask that you don't judge but you see the beauty in my confusion. I write as I would talk so take that into consideration. This has been a journey, to say the least. I look at some of these blogs now and I cringe at the situations I've found myself in but I've learned from everyone of them. This is the emotional side of me... relish in the beauty of it & enjoy.


P.S- The picture above is an ode to my love for body art... It also commemorates the One-Year anniversary of my 2nd tattoo... Shoutout to Hov for the lyric!

Hurt People Hurt People

"...You're saying things... No one stays the same... So I take it lightly... When you say that I've changed... All that I do Is done for you... && I can't help but feel bad... When you place me at the blame..."


Honestly... This has been one of the hardest months of my life. I've handled many things as mature as I could but that's neither here nor there. You see folks, I'm blogging from a computer near you because I need to get somethings off my chest...

As a woman, it is natural for me to want the companionship of a man. Sometimes my pillow isn't enough. But in wanting a man, I have a hard time being submissive to a man. My last situation proved this. See, I FEEL that he wanted me to kinda play my role. You know, the role of a submissive woman. One who looked pretty but shut up. That's how I felt. I felt that I was being groomed to be a trophy. A prize that needed to be polished and admired but not one that could be heard. So... Being the type of girl I am, I rebelled. It seemed that all we did is argue anyway... He didn't listen, I didn't listen.. We didn't know how to communicate w/ each other and more often than, we disrespected each other. Yes folks, it was a WE thing. No one is worse or better than the other person... We both need to learn to respect the person that we're with. Its sad because I feel that I really did try with this guy. I tried to open up to him in ways that most people don't get to see from me. It hurt that he denied me of that... He never took the time to figure out who I am. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I don't hide behind that or let it define me but it does dictate why I am the way I am. He NEVER bothered to figure me out. That hurt... I could talk about this all day but I feel like I need to speak directly to him... I hope yall don't mind...


MLC,

I hate that things ended the way that things did. I never wanted to argue with you the way that we did and as much as you may think I don't, I do care. It angers me that you try to discredit my feelings because they aren't a direct reflect of yours. My feelings come out in a different way than yours. Truthfully, I do care. I feel that I care more than you did. But you choose to argue and I don't have time for that. I also don't have time for the hypocracy that you've shown me. What's good for you is good 4 me to. How can you tell me you dislike something that you do? That's confusing. They're are no bends, twist or turns to make something right. And I hated that you did that to me... I hated that part of you. I wanted nothing more than to be with you. But, I feel that we were based on a lie. You can't build a strong foundation on shaky ground. Being painted to be a bad guy constantly is annoying... It is also hurtful, esp when you see the flipside of it all. You were the 1st guy I opened up to or tried to since my ex. I saw myself loving you one day. I hate that we stopped this relationship from growing. But you know what they say, Hurt People hurt People... And we are two hurt people. My past is not you and I am not your past... But a part of me still wants to be in your future, idk why. Maybe because I actually have feelings for you. But who knows... Serendipity is real & if its meant to be, it shall. But I wish you much love, much success & much happiness... You'll always be special to me

-- Daya (in my rawest form)


The tears are flowing yall... I'll holla..

All You Gotta Do Is Come Real...

"it's been a long time... I shouldn't have left you..."




Good! We got that out the way! Its been TOO many times in this New Year that I've wanted to do this && just didn't feel like I had a good enough subject to blog about. I wanted to blog about my weave... not eventful enough. I wanted to blog about my SANTANIC ass roommate... Eventful but I didn't wanna go to jail or cloud my blog-o-sphere with her mess. So... what brings me to you today??

Fuckery!!!

Ok, maybe not a bunch of it but it's alot inside of me that I feel the need to get off my chest. You know, its ALOT of shit that TRULY bothers my soul && I don't say too much. I pretty much keep it inside & try to block it out. But it ends up coming out in the WORST way. It's never intentional. I never mean it to hurt anyone but damn, that word vomit!!!

I was having a convo with my bestie (Shoutout to J-Skillz... Check us out over there --->) about the current men in my life. Now, being 21, I don't expect to find THE ONE. No, not just yet. But... I do expect FUCKING HONESTY!!! I mean, is that so much to ask??? Now... Honesty isn't telling me every move you make... it's letting me know what the EFF I'm getting myself into. I mean, let me know! I LOTHE having to go searching. I hate having to ask. And (most importantly) I HATE investing my feelings into someone when I know that a day will come where I'm going to have to repress them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone has to be dropped -BUT- they kinda do. Call me selfish but it's Me. Its Sadea Lynette, I tell you from the gate who I am && what I do. I have never been one to hide that but others do. I mean, do I look like I have stupid stamped on my head??? And... poor other girl! I feel bad being a part in something that would hurt her. I do like you (subliminal!!!) but I can't do her like that.My emos matter but Love is strong && even though it's not my place... it became my B.I. I wish you happiness...

Another issue I'm facing is negativity && lies... and this goes for both sexes. The one thing I CANNOT dig is a Hater. Why hate on the next person 'cuz you aren't getting what you want? Now, everybody does it at time but its the Constant hating that is bothersome. Why can't you just be Happy && Work Hard??? Does life really Suck that much for you?? It's ridiculous! Get your life together!


Now I do have Some positivity to share... Explicit Content is doing great! Mimi && I wanna thank everyone who has showed us love: Fly.U... Yonny... GTC && er-body else who has shown us love. We do Appreciate ya'll!


Ok Folks, before I start naming names && letting the cat out the bag... I need to hop my Happy ass off here. Commence the Fuckery!!!

[ManifestedRealities]

"...I'm at the point where I can stand to be [average] or I can be [extraordinary]..."

This blog... unlike the others is mine. This blog... unlike the others is personally personal. This blog... unlike the others is Sadea at her rawest....


I sit back and realize the growth I made in my life... but yet I still feel misunderstood. You can do so much, people can see you && imagine that they know you but no one knows your story until you tell them. Being misunderstood is one of the loneliest feelings you can ever experience but the creative process of letting someone into your world is amazing. Everyday gives you a new chance to share yourself and express a side of you that many may not get to see... Much like an artist putting together an album... Everyday brings you new songs, new beats, new ideas....

Last weekend, someone I've grown to like told me something I really needed to hear. I often get frustrated by certain things && in return, my tongue does become slightly sharp and I get extremely blunt. It's something that many who know me have come to deal w/ over the years but no one has had the audacity to put me in my place.. until last week. We were having a discussion and never has one person made me rethink so many things that I've done by saying something so simple. He reassured me [but] also caused me to become slightly insecure about things I had been doing... and not in a bad way either. A good insecurity.

-He Says-
"...everyone is different. You can't treat everyone the same, everyone deserves a chance. Sometimes a guy wants that mystery.. he wants that chase && being blunt is a good thing but it can also be a bad thing..."

I know this && I told him that but it goes back to me being misunderstood. In order to understand me, you have to know my background....

I am a 20 yr old woman who lost herself && is just now finding herself again. I wasn't the "pretty girl" until I made it to high school. I was teased because I wore my hair natural because my stepmother made the decision (without consulting my mother) to put a perm in my hair so I had to get my hair cut off when I was in the 2nd grade. I wore glasses until my freshman year && decided to reinvent myself. Partially for myself but partially so I could live up to the expectations of my glamourous family. Speaking of family, I went through years of sexually abuse and intimidation && never faced those demons until I was a junior in high school. I never had good relationships with men in my younger years so I lost my virginity at an early age to guy who I believed loved me. I went from having the highest self-esteem ever until I got into a relationship with a guy who crushed my spirit. Part of me still loves him, not for who he is but for what he made me. Without him, I WOULD NOT be the beautiful woman who many get to see now. He made me reset my morals & expectations for what they should be. I am just now getting to the point where I see myself as beautiful again... 'cuz there was a while when I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I hated my hair... I went from a size 4 to a size 8 in the matter of a year. My breast grew & my ass grew and I didnt like the attention it brought me. I have parents that are JUST now being cordial to each other. Parents that couldnt say 2words to each other without arguing && many times, they used me as the messenger. Can you imagine how it is to be forced to tell your father that your mother says that he's a bitch && he's worthless? Yes, I took a year off from school & ran away with my boyfriend (at the time) to Texas to escape my problems... but I also wasn't ready to be here. Be exactly where I am now. These are things that make me... they dont run me but they are a major part in who I have become. Without these experiences, there would not be the Sadea you see in front of you today. In order to know me is to understand what I've been through. I care too much, I love hard, I have a sharp tongue && I am determined to be what my parents, my aunts & uncles, my cousins & my grandparents weren't.

I am imperfect. I am flawed but I try damn hard to be better than I was yesterday. Im sexual & I am proud to be but it does NOT make me. Im introverted at times & Im extroverted at times. Im shy around people Im digging... But I dont hesitate to tell you what I will and will not do. I am no one's doormat. I am pretty inside and out. I love to laugh. I love to cry. I value cuddling more than sex. Im quirky & I love being weird. Music and writing are my outlets. Shopping is my addiction. I enjoy a lil gossip every now & again but I am fiercely loyal to myself && my friends. I will never advise you to do something I wouldnt do. Im a rebel but Im REAL... real enough to admit my flaws & real enough to be true to myself.... This is me... This is Sadea Lynette Harris-Lacking. She is me && I am her... And I am love & loved.

I am just a soul whose intentions are good ... I accept the fact that I am Misunderstood......

In Bloom.....

Currrently listening to: "In Bloom"- Nirvana


Its been a while since I felt worthy to post something on here... Its also been a minute since I had the time to do it. Life's great but Im not all for formalities on a blog. I mean, don't get me wrong... I love those who take the time to read what Im doing.. I just dont wanna make a big deal about it. Radio... School && Life.... what more is there to say???

Today... sitting at home... I had an epiphany. Now, Im not gonna go all Chrisette Michelle but seriously, life became clear in a sense. When I came back to school... I became a Dj for my station && I'd be lying if I say that I didn't wanna do it forever (I want this shit forever... ever.. ever! Thanks Drizzy!). I mean, its like my life has become clear to me. Never have I felt more driven or more interested in one thing. I understand now when artist say that their music is who they're in a relationship with becuz it truly gets like that. I spent almost every waking moment in that station... just to be around it... feel the vibe of it. Then... we had an argument... And I havent been as much. I miss the closeness between us and we're rekindling our flame. He knows I love him! But its addicting! Hearing that people hear me is a rush... and Im in love with that feeling. If anybody ever wants to know whats going on with me at a certain point in my life... Listen to my shows. I reflect my mood in the music I play. So much so that my mother knew I was happy... genuinely... from listening to one of my shows.

Another facet of my life that I am coming to terms with is just me... myself. I am who I am... and I love her. I am not perfect... I am a perfectly flawed individual. There are things I want to fix but I love those imperfections... every orifice, every bump, every curve of me is loved by Me. Never have I felt so comfortable in the skin God gave me... and being amongst more people who are going thru same things as I am has made me appreciate my life even more. Things could be better... I could have money for one.. but would I have this happiness? I dont think I would... nor would I have these understandings about myself. I am a beautiful... real... loving creature. And as everybody, I would love to have that love I have in myself shown by someone else.....

Speaking of love && like... I feel like for the first time in a long time, Im ready for that. My feelings are on my sleeve && slowly but surely, Im coming out of my shell again. Guys are no longer creatures just made to cause me unhappiness... becuz I've learned that happiness comes from within. I am interested in meeting && mingling again... especially with one person in particular. I make no claims to know him well... I just know enough to be interested. My fear of approaching him comes from insecurities in my past, but in shedding those, I plan to do so eventually. Im too old for crushes && life is too short not to try your options. Im not in high school anymore, so I really dont need my friends assistance in approaching him. So... here's a letter to him



Juvenile, I know but verbal words fail me when I see you so writing this is better for me. I hope you find it sweet, not silly... find me sweet, not mean... pretty, not ugly. I've never had to do this before but something about you has me intrigued. Can't place my finger on it but something is magnetic about you && its pulling me in. Excuse the fowardness of the last statement, but it has to be said. How can I claim to be real and hold my toungue? I seriously feel like how Alicia felt in "You don't know my name". Its scary to put yourself out when you dont know how the other person would react. But... Im 20 years old... Im putting on my big girl pants and baring my soul. I may not be the prettiest, the smartest or the most talented (and I dont claim to be) but I can assure you that I'm one of the realest you'll ever meet. Cliche, I know but coming from this creole lady... it means something. I don't know what you like, but I hope to learn. I dont know what your interest are but I hope to learn. Maybe we can share a conversation over a meal I'll cook for you... who knows. Im reaching my hand to yours.... Will you accept?

-Always..... Daya

He may never read these eloquent words I've posted && thats ok... but just in case he ever should come across my piece of the internet... he knows..

Remember ya'll.... Im just a lily in bloom.....

*If I woulda known the boy next door woulda been you....*

I know its been a nice little minute since I lasted blogged but... I think this occasion warrants a blog...




Have you ever had a friend who you've had that "something" with??



Like one of those friends that you've been close with for so long && you know u feel some type of way but the timing is either off -or- other thing prevent you from acting on what u truly feel. And its crazy becuz the feelings are there.. the chemistry is there but neither acts on it.
What happens when one person does act on it? Can the friendship ever go back or does it just get better from that point on??
Thats my internal conflict rite now... I cant even begin to describe how I feel about my Navahoe. One person that I've been so cool with for such a long time && am soooo immensly attracted to, the proper words cant really express how much he really means to me. I know that I dont show it sometimes but I just choose to stay away becuz I dont wanna get hurt. I mean, is it so wrong to hold someone at arms length for those reasons?? Its been many times where I've just wanted to scream it out loud but... I can't. I dont wanna be just one of those others girls. I like to think Im more than that. Yes, closed mouths dont get fed but I think my taste buds have been quenched for a long time! LOL... I know it may sound greedy, but im down for seconds.. thirds.. desserts.. midnite snacks...LOL. He's one of the only friends I can say that truly has my best interest at heart, I believe. Not to mention that I've known him for a while... its been a while. I first met him when I picked my sister up from his house once (his bro && my sis were BFF's). I can remember him coming to the door and he didnt say much, but my sister wanted to hook me up with him for soooo long! I was young, he looked like a geek... I wasn't interested then. High School changed that... he wasn't Lil Ju Ju so much anymore... his innocence was fading & I kinda wanted to be the one to take it :). Good thing I wasnt... I dont think I would have the impression of him as I do now... he's great at what he does. Adulthood brought greater challenges && even for the year that we barely spoke, he constantly kept up with me. It wasnt that I didnt wanna speak to him -but- I knew that talking to him && being in a relationship wasnt gonna work. Plus, he talks to everybody && I dont want or need that drama. But now, Im to the point where I dont care. 'Cuz at the end of the day... he's gonna be my friend. He's there when I need && want him to be. He's just not emotionally there rite now... and I hate it. So much that it makes me emotional. I dont regret anything that happend... but my feelings are clearly involved

I just wish I would known that boy woulda been YOU.....




Current tunes: Hunt for you by Teairra Mari && Pleasure P "Tell me what i gotta do.. the walls I gotta break thru... that lead me rite back to you..."

No More Tears for YOU....

I've wrestled with writing this for a long time for the pure sake of not putting everything out to be judged by public opinion... but I decided that if its good for the other person, its good for me 2. Not to say that he publicly put everything out that happend with us, becuz he didnt, but in a way, he did expose the truobles in our relationship. Now.. most of you know me & most of you know who I'm speaking of... but for those of you who don't, I'll give u a lil background history.....

For the past almost 6 yrs, I've been involved with a guy who I honestly thought was gonna be the best guy for me. Things started out cool (as they always do). Truthfully, I didnt even like the nigga, lol. I thought he was cute but he kinda seemed like a liar to me and he was quiet, so I couldnt really figure him out. So we played around.. dated here and there... our interest in each other seemed like it was never concurrent. Either he would be really feeling me and I wasnt particularly interested or vice versa. But it come upon the time when I really wanted to be with him, and he didnt feel the same at the time. I went thru everything.. competing w/ old girlfriends, fighting with him, seeing him talk to other girls... but to me, I had to prove that I was THAT GIRL... so I stayed loyal to him to show him that. He really fucked up on of the greatest days of my life BUT I dont wana get into that becuz it STILL hurts. But after a while, we got together.. stayed together.. moved together (in a different state)... struggled together... everything! If you can name it, Im pretty sure we did it. But things were going south & even tho I realized it, I didnt wanna believe it becuz "he loved me". People pointed things out to me all the time... "You know he tried to get at me on MySpace"... "He only wants to be with you becuz you have money" but I didnt wanna believe it! I was in love! And he loved me!

Do I deny that he did... Nah, not really. I deny that fact that he couldnt love me the way I deserved to be becuz he didnt love himself. And ladies, if a man cant love himself.. help himself.. do for himself... There is NO way in Hell that he can do those things for you eitha!So for the past year... we struggled. He says that he never cheated on me (he means sexually) but he did. Anything that you cant tell your partner IS CHEATING. So everytime he logged onto his secret Myspace, he cheated... everytime he played me to another girl, he cheated. See where I'm going?

2 make a long story short, of course, it didnt work & it blew up into one of the most scarring incidents that will ever happen to either of us. He doesnt believe it but it scarred me too. I never wished for anything like this to happen but, that was my sign from God to get out & get away. Since then, my life has completely turned around! Things have gotten so much better for me! And for a while, I still wanted to be with him to help him too. But once again, he was up to his old tricks.. trying to find happiness between someone's legs or in the bottom of a glass or at the end of a blunt.

Do I hate him? NO! Some may say that I should... but I dont! He taught me alot. And I can't lie and say that we didnt have good times, becuz we did. We obviously had to in order for me to be with him for so long. But I realized that his happiness was not greater than mine... and that in order to be successful, you have to surround yourself with people moving in that same direction. I am saddened by the way things turned out.... but there are No More Tears for him.... Like Neffe said, No one is gonna rob me of my sanity and my happiness... And I pray that he finds his

Love.. Real Love... will never hurt.....Daya Bee*