[ManifestedRealities]

"...I'm at the point where I can stand to be [average] or I can be [extraordinary]..."

This blog... unlike the others is mine. This blog... unlike the others is personally personal. This blog... unlike the others is Sadea at her rawest....


I sit back and realize the growth I made in my life... but yet I still feel misunderstood. You can do so much, people can see you && imagine that they know you but no one knows your story until you tell them. Being misunderstood is one of the loneliest feelings you can ever experience but the creative process of letting someone into your world is amazing. Everyday gives you a new chance to share yourself and express a side of you that many may not get to see... Much like an artist putting together an album... Everyday brings you new songs, new beats, new ideas....

Last weekend, someone I've grown to like told me something I really needed to hear. I often get frustrated by certain things && in return, my tongue does become slightly sharp and I get extremely blunt. It's something that many who know me have come to deal w/ over the years but no one has had the audacity to put me in my place.. until last week. We were having a discussion and never has one person made me rethink so many things that I've done by saying something so simple. He reassured me [but] also caused me to become slightly insecure about things I had been doing... and not in a bad way either. A good insecurity.

-He Says-
"...everyone is different. You can't treat everyone the same, everyone deserves a chance. Sometimes a guy wants that mystery.. he wants that chase && being blunt is a good thing but it can also be a bad thing..."

I know this && I told him that but it goes back to me being misunderstood. In order to understand me, you have to know my background....

I am a 20 yr old woman who lost herself && is just now finding herself again. I wasn't the "pretty girl" until I made it to high school. I was teased because I wore my hair natural because my stepmother made the decision (without consulting my mother) to put a perm in my hair so I had to get my hair cut off when I was in the 2nd grade. I wore glasses until my freshman year && decided to reinvent myself. Partially for myself but partially so I could live up to the expectations of my glamourous family. Speaking of family, I went through years of sexually abuse and intimidation && never faced those demons until I was a junior in high school. I never had good relationships with men in my younger years so I lost my virginity at an early age to guy who I believed loved me. I went from having the highest self-esteem ever until I got into a relationship with a guy who crushed my spirit. Part of me still loves him, not for who he is but for what he made me. Without him, I WOULD NOT be the beautiful woman who many get to see now. He made me reset my morals & expectations for what they should be. I am just now getting to the point where I see myself as beautiful again... 'cuz there was a while when I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I hated my hair... I went from a size 4 to a size 8 in the matter of a year. My breast grew & my ass grew and I didnt like the attention it brought me. I have parents that are JUST now being cordial to each other. Parents that couldnt say 2words to each other without arguing && many times, they used me as the messenger. Can you imagine how it is to be forced to tell your father that your mother says that he's a bitch && he's worthless? Yes, I took a year off from school & ran away with my boyfriend (at the time) to Texas to escape my problems... but I also wasn't ready to be here. Be exactly where I am now. These are things that make me... they dont run me but they are a major part in who I have become. Without these experiences, there would not be the Sadea you see in front of you today. In order to know me is to understand what I've been through. I care too much, I love hard, I have a sharp tongue && I am determined to be what my parents, my aunts & uncles, my cousins & my grandparents weren't.

I am imperfect. I am flawed but I try damn hard to be better than I was yesterday. Im sexual & I am proud to be but it does NOT make me. Im introverted at times & Im extroverted at times. Im shy around people Im digging... But I dont hesitate to tell you what I will and will not do. I am no one's doormat. I am pretty inside and out. I love to laugh. I love to cry. I value cuddling more than sex. Im quirky & I love being weird. Music and writing are my outlets. Shopping is my addiction. I enjoy a lil gossip every now & again but I am fiercely loyal to myself && my friends. I will never advise you to do something I wouldnt do. Im a rebel but Im REAL... real enough to admit my flaws & real enough to be true to myself.... This is me... This is Sadea Lynette Harris-Lacking. She is me && I am her... And I am love & loved.

I am just a soul whose intentions are good ... I accept the fact that I am Misunderstood......

In Bloom.....

Currrently listening to: "In Bloom"- Nirvana


Its been a while since I felt worthy to post something on here... Its also been a minute since I had the time to do it. Life's great but Im not all for formalities on a blog. I mean, don't get me wrong... I love those who take the time to read what Im doing.. I just dont wanna make a big deal about it. Radio... School && Life.... what more is there to say???

Today... sitting at home... I had an epiphany. Now, Im not gonna go all Chrisette Michelle but seriously, life became clear in a sense. When I came back to school... I became a Dj for my station && I'd be lying if I say that I didn't wanna do it forever (I want this shit forever... ever.. ever! Thanks Drizzy!). I mean, its like my life has become clear to me. Never have I felt more driven or more interested in one thing. I understand now when artist say that their music is who they're in a relationship with becuz it truly gets like that. I spent almost every waking moment in that station... just to be around it... feel the vibe of it. Then... we had an argument... And I havent been as much. I miss the closeness between us and we're rekindling our flame. He knows I love him! But its addicting! Hearing that people hear me is a rush... and Im in love with that feeling. If anybody ever wants to know whats going on with me at a certain point in my life... Listen to my shows. I reflect my mood in the music I play. So much so that my mother knew I was happy... genuinely... from listening to one of my shows.

Another facet of my life that I am coming to terms with is just me... myself. I am who I am... and I love her. I am not perfect... I am a perfectly flawed individual. There are things I want to fix but I love those imperfections... every orifice, every bump, every curve of me is loved by Me. Never have I felt so comfortable in the skin God gave me... and being amongst more people who are going thru same things as I am has made me appreciate my life even more. Things could be better... I could have money for one.. but would I have this happiness? I dont think I would... nor would I have these understandings about myself. I am a beautiful... real... loving creature. And as everybody, I would love to have that love I have in myself shown by someone else.....

Speaking of love && like... I feel like for the first time in a long time, Im ready for that. My feelings are on my sleeve && slowly but surely, Im coming out of my shell again. Guys are no longer creatures just made to cause me unhappiness... becuz I've learned that happiness comes from within. I am interested in meeting && mingling again... especially with one person in particular. I make no claims to know him well... I just know enough to be interested. My fear of approaching him comes from insecurities in my past, but in shedding those, I plan to do so eventually. Im too old for crushes && life is too short not to try your options. Im not in high school anymore, so I really dont need my friends assistance in approaching him. So... here's a letter to him



Juvenile, I know but verbal words fail me when I see you so writing this is better for me. I hope you find it sweet, not silly... find me sweet, not mean... pretty, not ugly. I've never had to do this before but something about you has me intrigued. Can't place my finger on it but something is magnetic about you && its pulling me in. Excuse the fowardness of the last statement, but it has to be said. How can I claim to be real and hold my toungue? I seriously feel like how Alicia felt in "You don't know my name". Its scary to put yourself out when you dont know how the other person would react. But... Im 20 years old... Im putting on my big girl pants and baring my soul. I may not be the prettiest, the smartest or the most talented (and I dont claim to be) but I can assure you that I'm one of the realest you'll ever meet. Cliche, I know but coming from this creole lady... it means something. I don't know what you like, but I hope to learn. I dont know what your interest are but I hope to learn. Maybe we can share a conversation over a meal I'll cook for you... who knows. Im reaching my hand to yours.... Will you accept?

-Always..... Daya

He may never read these eloquent words I've posted && thats ok... but just in case he ever should come across my piece of the internet... he knows..

Remember ya'll.... Im just a lily in bloom.....

*If I woulda known the boy next door woulda been you....*

I know its been a nice little minute since I lasted blogged but... I think this occasion warrants a blog...




Have you ever had a friend who you've had that "something" with??



Like one of those friends that you've been close with for so long && you know u feel some type of way but the timing is either off -or- other thing prevent you from acting on what u truly feel. And its crazy becuz the feelings are there.. the chemistry is there but neither acts on it.
What happens when one person does act on it? Can the friendship ever go back or does it just get better from that point on??
Thats my internal conflict rite now... I cant even begin to describe how I feel about my Navahoe. One person that I've been so cool with for such a long time && am soooo immensly attracted to, the proper words cant really express how much he really means to me. I know that I dont show it sometimes but I just choose to stay away becuz I dont wanna get hurt. I mean, is it so wrong to hold someone at arms length for those reasons?? Its been many times where I've just wanted to scream it out loud but... I can't. I dont wanna be just one of those others girls. I like to think Im more than that. Yes, closed mouths dont get fed but I think my taste buds have been quenched for a long time! LOL... I know it may sound greedy, but im down for seconds.. thirds.. desserts.. midnite snacks...LOL. He's one of the only friends I can say that truly has my best interest at heart, I believe. Not to mention that I've known him for a while... its been a while. I first met him when I picked my sister up from his house once (his bro && my sis were BFF's). I can remember him coming to the door and he didnt say much, but my sister wanted to hook me up with him for soooo long! I was young, he looked like a geek... I wasn't interested then. High School changed that... he wasn't Lil Ju Ju so much anymore... his innocence was fading & I kinda wanted to be the one to take it :). Good thing I wasnt... I dont think I would have the impression of him as I do now... he's great at what he does. Adulthood brought greater challenges && even for the year that we barely spoke, he constantly kept up with me. It wasnt that I didnt wanna speak to him -but- I knew that talking to him && being in a relationship wasnt gonna work. Plus, he talks to everybody && I dont want or need that drama. But now, Im to the point where I dont care. 'Cuz at the end of the day... he's gonna be my friend. He's there when I need && want him to be. He's just not emotionally there rite now... and I hate it. So much that it makes me emotional. I dont regret anything that happend... but my feelings are clearly involved

I just wish I would known that boy woulda been YOU.....




Current tunes: Hunt for you by Teairra Mari && Pleasure P "Tell me what i gotta do.. the walls I gotta break thru... that lead me rite back to you..."

No More Tears for YOU....

I've wrestled with writing this for a long time for the pure sake of not putting everything out to be judged by public opinion... but I decided that if its good for the other person, its good for me 2. Not to say that he publicly put everything out that happend with us, becuz he didnt, but in a way, he did expose the truobles in our relationship. Now.. most of you know me & most of you know who I'm speaking of... but for those of you who don't, I'll give u a lil background history.....

For the past almost 6 yrs, I've been involved with a guy who I honestly thought was gonna be the best guy for me. Things started out cool (as they always do). Truthfully, I didnt even like the nigga, lol. I thought he was cute but he kinda seemed like a liar to me and he was quiet, so I couldnt really figure him out. So we played around.. dated here and there... our interest in each other seemed like it was never concurrent. Either he would be really feeling me and I wasnt particularly interested or vice versa. But it come upon the time when I really wanted to be with him, and he didnt feel the same at the time. I went thru everything.. competing w/ old girlfriends, fighting with him, seeing him talk to other girls... but to me, I had to prove that I was THAT GIRL... so I stayed loyal to him to show him that. He really fucked up on of the greatest days of my life BUT I dont wana get into that becuz it STILL hurts. But after a while, we got together.. stayed together.. moved together (in a different state)... struggled together... everything! If you can name it, Im pretty sure we did it. But things were going south & even tho I realized it, I didnt wanna believe it becuz "he loved me". People pointed things out to me all the time... "You know he tried to get at me on MySpace"... "He only wants to be with you becuz you have money" but I didnt wanna believe it! I was in love! And he loved me!

Do I deny that he did... Nah, not really. I deny that fact that he couldnt love me the way I deserved to be becuz he didnt love himself. And ladies, if a man cant love himself.. help himself.. do for himself... There is NO way in Hell that he can do those things for you eitha!So for the past year... we struggled. He says that he never cheated on me (he means sexually) but he did. Anything that you cant tell your partner IS CHEATING. So everytime he logged onto his secret Myspace, he cheated... everytime he played me to another girl, he cheated. See where I'm going?

2 make a long story short, of course, it didnt work & it blew up into one of the most scarring incidents that will ever happen to either of us. He doesnt believe it but it scarred me too. I never wished for anything like this to happen but, that was my sign from God to get out & get away. Since then, my life has completely turned around! Things have gotten so much better for me! And for a while, I still wanted to be with him to help him too. But once again, he was up to his old tricks.. trying to find happiness between someone's legs or in the bottom of a glass or at the end of a blunt.

Do I hate him? NO! Some may say that I should... but I dont! He taught me alot. And I can't lie and say that we didnt have good times, becuz we did. We obviously had to in order for me to be with him for so long. But I realized that his happiness was not greater than mine... and that in order to be successful, you have to surround yourself with people moving in that same direction. I am saddened by the way things turned out.... but there are No More Tears for him.... Like Neffe said, No one is gonna rob me of my sanity and my happiness... And I pray that he finds his

Love.. Real Love... will never hurt.....Daya Bee*

Wait a minute... muthaf"cka!

Dumb sick right now.... Should be blogging with Ur girl's favorite blogger later on today or tomorrow... Be back when my tummy stops hurting.

- - Daya

*Just a little Abstract Thinking*

Sweet baby Jesus... Its been a long time.
Well... sometimes we all need breaks.. and mine was well deserved. I needed to take the necessary steps to get some stability back into my life. I think I'm finally getting there.. once again!

So enuff about me... or maybe not enuff (as I havent gotten to my point yet)

You know... I've recently realized how much I've grown as a person. I always fashioned myself to be a lady and to be very mature but so much has happend lately that it has truly tested me. So many situations have happend and I've come thru with flying colors.

Situation One: Family Issues

Now it may not necessarily be MY family, per se but it is someones family. I had to realize that no matter what, even if someone does not respect you or what you have.. you dont stoop to their level with them. You never let someone take you out of character or rob you of your spirit. Nobody what negativity someone is throwing your way you never let it be know that they've gotten to you. I love the people that I'm taking about.. mainly becuz they are apart of someone that I love. And they can hate me, wanna see me fail... WHATEVA! I love them... and one day, I hope we can all resolve the issues that we have with each other

Situation Two: Love

Now this is a situation that runs deep with me. I've been through so much recently and I've heard about so many other people discovering the real meaning of love. Love (in my definition) is NOT something that can be easily summed up or easily described. Its a feeling! A beautiful feeling... but everyone expects love to just HAPPEN. And it doesn't. Its a mixture of destiny and whatever you put into it. Im in love... it has been the hardest thing that I've ever done. It has taken me up && down... in circles.. squares.. all types of contortions. But, I can honestly say that I believe this love that I share is genuine.. on both sides. I always thought that I wanted to get married.. and I still do..

BUT

it will be a long time & alot of my friends have been the inspiration for that decision. Not that I dont love my married friends, I do. Very much so but they have showed me why getting married early may not be a good thing. I am in no rush to end what I have... and I am in no rush to be divorced. Nor am I in a rush to have kids. I am enjoying this time that I am having with my boyfriend. We have no worries and no responsibilites and we enjoy that. We dont have to "stay together for the kids" or have to worry about what happens if it doesnt last... we are free to just BE. I've learned so much about myself thru him. And not that he made me anything, becuz he hasnt made me do anything but become a responsible adult. There are things that he does that piss me off.. things that make me emotional but at the end, I have to realize that I am not the only person that feels or that is in this. I have a partner in my relationship

So many people in this world give up too easily or are way to selfish. If you want something, you demand it. If you don't, you dont do it. plain and simple. Im just getting tired of blaming people or giving out tired ass excuses for why they do the things that they do. Be honest! And be a man or a woman about it.

Follow my lead...

20 reasons why I'm that BITCH!

So... in order for my readers to get to know me a little bit better & on a more personal level... My friend, Mr DJ Durl (holidaydreamin.blogspot.com), devised 20 questions for me to answer.

So with out further ado.....

1. Your life is a movie... so whats your theme song?

Favorite Drug- Styles P.... Im the worlds favorite drug

2 Going along with the same theme... what chapter would your life be in if it were a book?

My chapter would be chapter 20 in a 85 chapter book

3. Love or Money?

Always love... I'm a helpless romantic. Getting money feels damn good but, to me, the feeling of being love tops that.

4. Whats one of your favorite memories from school?

Probably just being immensely popular. Having that power of being a popular chick.. I was a low key "mean girl" now that I think about it. I'm pretty sure something I said cut someone down

5. If you told your 15 yr old self that you would be who/where you are right now... what do you think the 15 yr old you say?

"You dont like going to the club... and your dating just one guy? Huh.. I didnt see that coming" I was always in somebodies "teen" club.. shout out to Elwood! :)

6. Whats is your biggest accomplishment?

My biggest accomplishment thus far is graduating high school without having any kids. I bust my aunts bubbles... two years removed and I still dont have kids

7. Are you proud of youself??

I am but I have a lot of self improving to still do. There is always room for improvement in my life

8. Do you think God has a sense of humor? Elaborate?

He has to. He created man... he created us in the image of him and he must be one funny being to give some of the people the humor that that have. He gave us the ability and talent to make others laugh

9. If you could have one superhero power, what would you pick?

Hmmm... the choices! I think I'm gonna have to take X-ray vision for 200, Darrell!

10. When was you best chrsitmas?

My best christmas was the christmas of my junior year in high school. I got soooo much yaper that year.

11. If you were a rapper, what would your rap name be?

DJ Daya... and everytime they said my name... a bee would buzz... lol

12. Say that they are making a movie about MY life.. who would you want to play you??

I would want to play myself... Anything for Sadea, rite? lol

13 Whats makes you so special?

Im truly one of a kind.. I think you and everybody else can honestly say that you dont know another person like me. And I believe that I am a genuinely good person. I have flaws but my flaws are a part of me and they help make me who I am. I am a talented and intelligent person.. and you'll never met another chick that will touch your life as I will

14 What is most missunderstood about you?

I think that people misunderstand me as a person alot of times. They dont get me or they dont try to. Im not easy to figure out and you have to put in the time to even begin to understand what makes Sadea, Sadea.

15 Imagine that your 10 yrs school reunion is tomorrow, who would you look to see? why?

Um... hmmm.... that's hard. I would probably just wanna see what my old clique is up to. Who's cracked out.. who's famous... who became fertile as hell and had alot of kids. You know.. the usual

16 Theres a colorful flyer with your face on it, and words... what do the words say and whats the event?

The flyer is advertising my book signing in Soho... and its describing my career from blogger/model to chairperson of the UN

17 Whats your favorite pair of shoes?

My gold, pink and green collectors Nike Dunks. One of my only pairs on sneaks but I truly love them

18 Who is one person you wish you could be stuck in an elevator with??

My idol, Oprah. I would have so much to ask!
-
19 Whats the craziest thing that youve done?

Had sex in the mens locker room at the YMCA with my first serious boyfriend. And bungee jump!

20 Whats your favorite lyric?

"Now I have come to understand.... The way it is....It's not a secret anymore.....'cause we've been through that before.... From tonight I know that you're the only one.... I've been confused and in the dark.... Now I understand.... I wonder why it is.... I don't argue like this.... With anyone but you.... I wonder why it is, I wont let my guard down.... For anyone but you" - Corinne Bailey Rae "Like A Star" (the song I wanna dance to when I get married)


Well... I hope you guys feel closer to me... and if any of you out there in Wi-FI land wanna know more, feel free to email me your ?'s or just drop me a comment.. I'll always respond

Suggested Listening.....

So some of you may know that I was in a car accident Sunday nite && it sucked. It hurt really bad but I'm not hurt.. just sore.

So all I can do is sit on my luscious, gorgeous, beautiful plump butt ( Im not fat.. but that backside is!) and download music. So I wanna share my playlist with you! And you guys should feel lucky...

1. The Virgins- Rich Girls

2. Drake feat Andreena Mills- Closer ( I'm closer to my dreamssssss)

3. Britney Spears- Toxic

4. Yelle- Je veux te voir (meaning I want to see you in French)

5. Impossible- Kanyeezy, Keyshia C & Twista

6. Trust- Keyshia C & Monica

7. None Shall Pass- Aesop Rock

8. She Loves Everybody- Chester French

9. Let It Rock- Kevin Rudolph & Weezy Baby

10. Baddest Bitch- Nicki Minaj

11. Turning Me On- Keri H & Weezy

12. Little Bit (remix!)- Lykke Li & Drake ( ugh.. this man gives me my life)

13. 'Round Midnight- Thelonious (The onliest) Monk

14. Rope Burn- Ms Janet Jackson (tie me up.. tie me down!)

15. Ego- Mizz Bee

So this is my suggestested listening for January 13th... Enjoy

Drake = Hotness!!!

So many of you know that I was the BIGGEST fan of Degrassi: The Next Generation that came on Noggin/The N. I was home EVERY friday... tuned in.. and calling some of you guys (you know who you are) to discuss what happend. And you guys also know that my most favorite character was the dreamy && gorgeous Jimmy Brooks aka Mr. Aubrey Graham.

-BUT-

Did you guys know that he was a genuine "triple threat"?

This man can:

1. Sing

2. Rap

3. Act

Not only can he do all those things but he can do a PLETHORA of other things. His stage name is Drake (which I believe is his middle name) and he came out with the song Replacement Girl (feat Trey Songz) a couple years ago and had a cameo in the Wonder Woman video (that also launched Ms Fake Booty Angel Lola Luv).

This man... this man.. this man!

Not only is he such a great actor in my book... but his music takes me to a whole 'notha place. One minute, he's going hard and he's rapping... the next minute... I'm adding his slow, senusal music to my "Lets Get It Poppin vol 2" mix cds. This man has gotten me creatively open. He gives it to me hard and fast when I need it.. cuz trust me.. a girl loves a man that can say "shut up and take this".. and then he can flip it.. lay me down gently && give it to me softer than Charmin Xtra Soft tissue. This man is nothing to play with! His future is so bright! And if he continues to do as well as he's doing so far... I will be a fan for a loooonnnngggg time coming. I will go to shows.. buy t-shirts.. hold up signs outside his concert.. ANYTHING! This man gives me what I need... so why shouldnt I do the same for him

In my mind... Drake = Hotness!!!!!!!!

Check out his blog http://octobersveryown.blogspot.com or his myspace www.myspace.com/thisisdrake. I guaran-damn-tee that you'll fall in love... I know I did!