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Hello Loves!!!
Did you miss me? I'm sure you did :) I've missed you too. Life has treated me well over the past couple of months. Somethings you can control, somethings you can't... such is life. All you can do is maintain.
But
I digress from my original thought. This entry isn't typical because it's almost like a preface to my life story (so far). This is actually an "introduction" of sorts. Recently, I've gotten in touch with someone who knew me when I was younger. It's actually amazing to talk to him after so much time has passed -but- its strangely comfortable. He was & is (in my opinion) one of the only people who I think fully understood me then. I can't really speak for now because he hasn't received the whole "Sadea/Dayabee experience" but I honestly haven't changed THAT much. We all grow and mature... We develop vices and bad habits overtime but as he said:
"You kinda know a version of myself that alot of ppl who know me now have no clue about"
So, I feel that I should give him a proper introduction to the Daya that some of you guys know. He's been more influential on my life than he actually may know (cue the violins, hahahaha)
Sir,
This blog is extremely vivid. Not raunchy in any sense of the word but it has become my diary. There are times when I show extremely disappointment in myself on here. You do get a great picture of what I have been thru with guys on here (most of the posts reflect that). I ask that you don't judge but you see the beauty in my confusion. I write as I would talk so take that into consideration. This has been a journey, to say the least. I look at some of these blogs now and I cringe at the situations I've found myself in but I've learned from everyone of them. This is the emotional side of me... relish in the beauty of it & enjoy.
P.S- The picture above is an ode to my love for body art... It also commemorates the One-Year anniversary of my 2nd tattoo... Shoutout to Hov for the lyric!
"...You're saying things... No one stays the same... So I take it lightly... When you say that I've changed... All that I do Is done for you... && I can't help but feel bad... When you place me at the blame..."
Honestly... This has been one of the hardest months of my life. I've handled many things as mature as I could but that's neither here nor there. You see folks, I'm blogging from a computer near you because I need to get somethings off my chest...As a woman, it is natural for me to want the companionship of a man. Sometimes my pillow isn't enough. But in wanting a man, I have a hard time being submissive to a man. My last situation proved this. See, I FEEL that he wanted me to kinda play my role. You know, the role of a submissive woman. One who looked pretty but shut up. That's how I felt. I felt that I was being groomed to be a trophy. A prize that needed to be polished and admired but not one that could be heard. So... Being the type of girl I am, I rebelled. It seemed that all we did is argue anyway... He didn't listen, I didn't listen.. We didn't know how to communicate w/ each other and more often than, we disrespected each other. Yes folks, it was a WE thing. No one is worse or better than the other person... We both need to learn to respect the person that we're with. Its sad because I feel that I really did try with this guy. I tried to open up to him in ways that most people don't get to see from me. It hurt that he denied me of that... He never took the time to figure out who I am. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I don't hide behind that or let it define me but it does dictate why I am the way I am. He NEVER bothered to figure me out. That hurt... I could talk about this all day but I feel like I need to speak directly to him... I hope yall don't mind...MLC,
I hate that things ended the way that things did. I never wanted to argue with you the way that we did and as much as you may think I don't, I do care. It angers me that you try to discredit my feelings because they aren't a direct reflect of yours. My feelings come out in a different way than yours. Truthfully, I do care. I feel that I care more than you did. But you choose to argue and I don't have time for that. I also don't have time for the hypocracy that you've shown me. What's good for you is good 4 me to. How can you tell me you dislike something that you do? That's confusing. They're are no bends, twist or turns to make something right. And I hated that you did that to me... I hated that part of you. I wanted nothing more than to be with you. But, I feel that we were based on a lie. You can't build a strong foundation on shaky ground. Being painted to be a bad guy constantly is annoying... It is also hurtful, esp when you see the flipside of it all. You were the 1st guy I opened up to or tried to since my ex. I saw myself loving you one day. I hate that we stopped this relationship from growing. But you know what they say, Hurt People hurt People... And we are two hurt people. My past is not you and I am not your past... But a part of me still wants to be in your future, idk why. Maybe because I actually have feelings for you. But who knows... Serendipity is real & if its meant to be, it shall. But I wish you much love, much success & much happiness... You'll always be special to me-- Daya (in my rawest form)
The tears are flowing yall... I'll holla..
"it's been a long time... I shouldn't have left you..."
Good! We got that out the way! Its been TOO many times in this New Year that I've wanted to do this && just didn't feel like I had a good enough subject to blog about. I wanted to blog about my weave... not eventful enough. I wanted to blog about my SANTANIC ass roommate... Eventful but I didn't wanna go to jail or cloud my blog-o-sphere with her mess. So... what brings me to you today??
Fuckery!!!
Ok, maybe not a bunch of it but it's alot inside of me that I feel the need to get off my chest. You know, its ALOT of shit that TRULY bothers my soul && I don't say too much. I pretty much keep it inside & try to block it out. But it ends up coming out in the WORST way. It's never intentional. I never mean it to hurt anyone but damn, that word vomit!!!
I was having a convo with my bestie (Shoutout to J-Skillz... Check us out over there --->) about the current men in my life. Now, being 21, I don't expect to find THE ONE. No, not just yet. But... I do expect FUCKING HONESTY!!! I mean, is that so much to ask??? Now... Honesty isn't telling me every move you make... it's letting me know what the EFF I'm getting myself into. I mean, let me know! I LOTHE having to go searching. I hate having to ask. And (most importantly) I HATE investing my feelings into someone when I know that a day will come where I'm going to have to repress them. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that everyone has to be dropped -BUT- they kinda do. Call me selfish but it's Me. Its Sadea Lynette, I tell you from the gate who I am && what I do. I have never been one to hide that but others do. I mean, do I look like I have stupid stamped on my head??? And... poor other girl! I feel bad being a part in something that would hurt her. I do like you (subliminal!!!) but I can't do her like that.My emos matter but Love is strong && even though it's not my place... it became my B.I. I wish you happiness...
Another issue I'm facing is negativity && lies... and this goes for both sexes. The one thing I CANNOT dig is a Hater. Why hate on the next person 'cuz you aren't getting what you want? Now, everybody does it at time but its the Constant hating that is bothersome. Why can't you just be Happy && Work Hard??? Does life really Suck that much for you?? It's ridiculous! Get your life together!
Now I do have Some positivity to share... Explicit Content is doing great! Mimi && I wanna thank everyone who has showed us love: Fly.U... Yonny... GTC && er-body else who has shown us love. We do Appreciate ya'll!
Ok Folks, before I start naming names && letting the cat out the bag... I need to hop my Happy ass off here. Commence the Fuckery!!!
